Grooming the Alpha Male

Among higher primate social groups, there's always the big alpha male that runs the show and gets all the respect. Among gorillas he is usually known as the silverback. I always thought it would be pretty neat to get that kind of respect at home, and being the head of a household that consists of more than myself, I'm finally getting it.

One of the main ways you know the alpha male among primates is that everyone socially grooms each other, eating the little bugs, and everyone grooms the alpha male, but he doesn't groom anyone. Now that's when you know you are the big dog.

Well...


In real life it kind of just hurts to get groomed, in my experience. For some time people have been telling me that I have hair growing on the tip of my nose, but I never really noticed it. And if I can't see it, no one can, right? I notice it now, because my eyes water to no end as my wife pulls them out one by one. They barely get a chance to see daylight before she pins me down and attacks them with the tweezers. I never put up any kind of fight because I realize it's an expression of love. Sometimes it feels like tough love, but it's genuine.

I won't post a picture of the other grooming activity I receive: the popping of zits on my back. For the most part I prohibit face zit popping because it's a disfiguring activity, but if my body looks like I just got attacked by killer bees, she's the only one that has to deal with the consequences. And yes, it makes my eyes water, but I usually try to hold my breath instead of yell out and then I say something stoic like "I didn't feel that." Although occasionally there is that one zit that you know is attached to my spinal chord because it hurts all over and sends me into uncontrollable spasms when it gets pinched.

Yes, grooming hurts, but it's very therapeutic. When Ashley has had a frustrating day, or is feeling sick, or otherwise is out of sorts, nothing brings her back to energetic chipperness faster than making me squeal with pain just a little. If I am already perfectly groomed with no extra hair or skin imperfections, then it can really be a downer for her day. So unfulfilling. I like to think she likes grooming because of all the loving contact associated with it, or perhaps it's because she was born with freakishly perfect skin and no unnecessary hair so it's scientifically interesting to her. Somewhere down there I think what she likes best is seeing me hold back tears as she seeks out and attacks all my imperfections . It's a microcosm of our marriage, really.

And honestly, I like it. :)

You have to earn your respect, or at least pay for it. After all even silverbacks have to make some contribution to the welfare of the family unit besides just looking intimidating and providing DNA for the next generation.